Friday, September 29, 2006

i realized that if i was a black porn star i'd like to be named "Back Door Action Jackson"

I showed this to my kids at one of my high schools.


Beat that, motherfucker.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Holy crap...

I am so stoked.

In other news, I am pitching new articles to Japanzine and studying Japanese for another test. Expect some "real" updates soon.

BTW, the Prime Minister "race" was about as eventful as watching slugs fuck. On drying paint. In slow motion. Was there a point to that?

Thursday, September 21, 2006

This poem is called "Put Something In." Yeah, I laughed too.

Nathan but penetration.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Yoshinoya Beef Bowl is back! (At your own risk)

From the Kumamoto JET list... yes, I still keep up with this shit.

" Yoshinoya will again begin to sell GYUDON. The ban on US beef and Yoshinoya's unwillingness to use beef from other countries as a substitute have kept Yoshinoya from selling gyudon for over two years.

This is a very very happy day. Yoshinoya will sell gyudon at all of its stores on Monday. The lack of sufficient US beef, though, will prevent Yoshinoya from selling it in all of its stores after Monday. It will come back in full force eventually, but for now it is just Monday. Gyudon sales will be very limited during September and October, so your best chance is now.

I imagine that some of you have never had gyudon before...all I can really say is that you cannot miss this important chance to taste the melt-in-your- mouth deliciousness of gyudon at Yoshinoya. You won't regret it."

What I think home dude really means is that if you'd like to have some bad beef over greasy rice for a hugely inflated price, then TODAY'S YOUR DAY!

Dear Japan, re: need new crazy people

Hey there.

Thanks again for letting me stay here. Yes, I'm doing well. Yeah, I found the good record stores. Yes, I'm eating. Yes, I am dating more thanks to my dropping a shitload of weight. By the way, why don't you make some real food available now and again? I'd cut off a toe for some genuine pizza right now.

No shit.

Anyway, it seems that the Tokyo district court has seen fit to uphold the death sentence of Japan crazy guy numero uno Shoko Asahara. Good move, I say. After all, not only was homedude batshit "I could be in Japanther!" insane, but he also could've offed thousands of more people had he not been lazy and OK'd the use of impure isopropyll methaphosphano flouridate. What a dick! Be sure and do some suitably crazy shit for the execution... we know how you made moves in Nanking. You can't act like you're a virgin with this one, so no playing coy!

The thing you gotta remember is that Shoko was the king o' out-to-lunch. He was your Charles Manson, and he also scared the shit out of me when I was 14 or 15 watching the Japanese news in La Porte Texas, of all places. He was a bully, a douchebag, and an inveterate asshole of such great standards that he could've been related to me. So in short: good move.

(And yes, I will not forget to mention that you put me right into his hometown of Yatsushiro when I first came here. Didn't we all have a good laugh at that, you spiteful cock? At least I'm not watching my life rot away there anymore...)

But anyway, since you've decided to do whatever-the-hell you're going to do with Blind Man Crazy Pants, this creates a new problem: YOU'RE OUT OF PSYCHOS.

Now when I say 'psychos', I'm not talking about the kind of garden-variety, mediocre, start-a-fight-over-some-stupid-shit assholes that inhabit places like Texas. I'm talking FUCKING NUTBARS, the kind of people who can grab your attention and keep it. What happened to that half-Brazilian dirtball who offed some girl and put her in a box? Or the random asshole who threw one or two people off a building in the Tokyo suburbs in April? Or the fucking nurse who carved up her roommate out of jealousy for her boyfriend and then got engaged to him after they found her body in various dumpsters?

Exactly. No staying power. Here today, gone tomorrow. The "Hey Ya" of crazy-asses.

It's not like I'm solely obsessed with being morbid. Far from it. In fact, you don't even need to have somebody who's caught a body or two. Hell, import Mariah Carey's crazy ass. Bobby and Whitney may be looking for new places soon, ya dig? And in just 2 years you can have George W. here. He can even hang out with his girlfriend Junichiro Koizumi, who has been doing everything to keep Japan on the world stage as nothing more than America's condom since he took office! Hey, I think most of my old college girlfriends are still drawing breath. How's by I dump some of them on you? You'll be amazed at some of the nonsensical shit that they dropped in my lap, and then you'll probably end up moving halfway around the world and learning a different language just to get away from that kind of crap! Ha! Wouldn't THAT be a laugh?

Look, what I'm saying is simple: you need LONGEVITY when it comes to your incessant, annoying fucktarded personalities. Less At The Drive In, more Black Sabbath. Ya dig?

Friday, September 15, 2006

Ann Richards = now dead.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Lonelygirl15, schmonleygirl15...

I'm late on this whole Lonelygirl15 internet craze... mostly because white girls are pretty much completely off my radar.

(Hi Susan!)

Anyway, Youtube hoax or not... lady, just hurry up and TRIM THOSE FUCKING EYEBROWS already. They look like they're about to declare autonomy and drop a colony on Australia.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Tokyo dictionary

New cities and new neighborhoods require new language. Even new musical movements, like that gay-ass hyphy movement needs new slang to validate it.

Well, I'm writing the Tokyo dictionary now, so dig the following and feel free to add your own.

Short-time: 1. A person who is brand new to the country. Not neccesarily mean-spirited, although it can be used that way. 2. A pejorative directed towards a person who is blatantly not enjoying their time in Japan, and will thus be leaving ASAP.

The Library: Any large bookstore with a suitably-sized English section which one will use for reading only. Shinjuku's Kinokuniya is the prime example of this.

"I'm out son, gonna go hit the library and see what's popping with Akira volume four.

Big Daikoner: A person who's established internet/mailing-list/web presence is totally contradictory when contrasted against their real-life existence. Usually used for obsessive online shit-talkers, know-it-alls, and trolls. Originating from Big Daikon. Also see: Big Liekon.

F.F.: Acronymn for "Fuckin' foreigner," a semi-ironic term applied to a person who may be lousing up your long-term living plans with his or here "HEY I'M ON VACATION!" attitude towards Japan and Japanese people. Often used by people suffering from the "My Japan" syndrome.

T.W.M.: Acronymn for "Tokyo Weird Movement," a descriptor used by a select few regular drinkers (HOLLER AT YOUR BOY, KUMAMOTO!) for those with artistic aspirations in and around Tokyo. Also see: Dekasegi Hantai.

Fat Scratch Jackson: Somebody rolling in dough. Can be used to describe a short-timer or somebody on vacation who spends money like it grows on trees. Often not derogatory, although it depends on the familiarity one has with the addressee.

Ex: "Fat Scratch Jackson here showed some love to us at the club."

Captain Bitter: One who constantly moans and bitches like a virgin with a thumb in her about Japan, the Japanese, and other people.

A.I.D.S. Bait: 1. A person who attracts questionable-looking foreign sex partners. 2. A questionable-looking foreign sex partner.

Ex: "She was feeling my steez, but son that mess was straight AIDS bait."

D'ed up: Using a heavy amount of energy drink to make up for being in a state of extreme drowsiness or sluggishness.

Encyclopedia Brown, aka "The Encyclopedia": Pejorative for somebody who feels the need to tell you everything about Japan or translate things for you in a condescending or harsh way without being asked or invited to.

"Fucking Encyclopedia Brown needs to cut out the mess, or else I'll go Eddie Murphy's couch on his ass."

Wow. Wrong, but funny.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Today's required reading re: Koizumi

You'll hear a lot of positives about Koizumi now that he's about to step down, but some people aren't afraid to note the negatives. Dig this interview with Minoru Morita and read the noted political lecturer's thoughts on why Koizumi was bad for Japan.

Then go look at shit on youtube.