To all the girls I've loved before: Let me fuck you.

As time marches on, people change. Lives change. You grow up. You grow older. Your responsibilities take up more of your time. As life goes on and things get more complex, you realize 'man, I don't want to be the old guy in the club.' Then you start changing and becoming more of an adult... you're not starting fights anymore. You don't particularly care to listen to new bands. You don't mind that your pants don't fit anymore. You realize Vice magazine IS retarded. You grow.

Me, I'm living life ass-backward. When I was young I was all-work, no anything else. I was an efficient, gut-churning knuckle cracking machine. After awhile I became like the dudes from Mobb Deep: "fuck a new friend, they just potential enemies."

But as time marched on, I have changed. Shout out to Glen Morales for the advice. I now have tons of free-time. I am so physically differnt from a year and a half ago that people don't recognize me anymore. I saved a fuckton of money that I will retire on ASAP. I love my job. I am kicking ass on the stuff that killed me back when I (sort of) went to school. I'm happy. I'm content. And I'm trying to help the few people that used to help me, and trying to make up for the awful things I got caught up in when I was younger which have haunted me for years.

Now comes to kicker.

To all the old girls I used to have crushes on: LET ME FUCK YOU.

Seriously, now's the time. You're getting older. Being a drunk skank at 21 was acceptable... at 26 it's kind of sad. You're now staring down the barrel of the '2 kids and a minivan' gun, which is perfectly respectable and an admirable way to live your life. You gotta prepare. You gotta save. You gotta make decisions that will affect your life and the lives of people you love.

But I ain't doin' it, and that's not my fault, so let me fuck you.

Seriously, what do you say you build a nice pyre and we have a viking funeral for your youth? The match and gas combo? My slinger and yer thinger.

Now, I may have a reputation as a lady-killer, asshole, Machiavellian zombie on a slow-mo death march, but really I'm a very charming and wonderful man. Seriously. Every woman I've dated will attest to this. Ask around.

For the sake of argument and consideration, I'll throw down the top five reasons you should jump on the old pogo stick after half a bottle of red-wine and the first few songs of Sade's Love Deluxe album.

1. You liked me when you were younger, despite yourself.

2. My record collection drops jaws.

3. A diet of tuna fish, vegetables, and water has made me inhuman in terms of energy.

4. I'll never see you again. Don't front like you'll catch me at the grocery store.

5. You're still mad about your ex-boyfriend.

So book up an evening at a cheap motel. Get some Mad Dog 20/20 or some Moet if you're feelin' 'high-class.' Stop thinkin' about the mortgage. Relax and let the wave o'Ev' wash over you like so much lava-of-love. And prepare some ice.

Because I'm not 15 anymore.

Just to remind you that I'm a MASSIVE nerd:

4 weeks of growth as of last Saturday

Please note that my dad is part Native American, hence the slow growth. Argh matey. Argh.

Also, if genetics is any standard, somebody in my family was also part black. Hey-o!

This is why I live in Tokyo...

For shit like THIS:

Rat curry served to 18 people at train station noodle stand

A curry that was boiled up with a rat in the pot has been served to 18 people at a noodle stand at JR Shin-Koiwa Station in Tokyo, the operator of the stand said.

Nippon Restaurant Enterprise Co. (NRE), the operator of the noodle stand, has apologized for the incident. "We offer our apologies and will return the money to customers who contact us," a company spokesman said. Nobody who ate at the stand has so far complained about any health problems.

Between 6:15 a.m. and 8:30 a.m. on Tuesday, curry and rice and curry noodles were served to 18 customers at Ajisai Chaya noodle stand at JR Shin-Koiwa Station in Katsushika-ku, Tokyo, NRE officials said.

At around 8:30 a.m., an 8-centimeter-long rat was caught by a ladle when the manager stirred the curry in the pot, prompting him to immediately close the stand.

NRE officials said it is highly likely that the rat was mixed into the curry when the sauce was put into the pot. (Mainichi)

So my brother has three beers... also: Japanese.

...

40 kanji away from knocking out the requirements for 2 kyuu.

40 kanji.

3 days.

Gully.

I've been slaving away for 3 months trying to knock that garbage out, and I'm almost there. Then again, when I'm finished I gotta learn another 1000 to get to 1 kyuu, but when I get to 1kyuu I'll be a. old, and b. probably well on my way to workin' in Iowa and praying for my own death or some such bullshit.

(Still beats living in England or whatever.)

I originally aimed to have 2 kyuu by this year. Please repeat with me: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Alright.

Regardless, when I take that test (and when I say this I mean 'take', like 'Mike Tyson will TAKE that P'), I hope to then use my skills in Japanese to move out of English and into more entertainment work. If worse comes to worse, I can go back to teaching Japanese in America, where the actual MONEY is when you roll with the language game proper-like.

That's hilarious, right? Also, it's kinda messed up when you think about it. You move here, rock out some high class Japanese tests, and then people offer peanuts for hard-ass work. That's a sucker's game.Take note: translating is some real shit, both an art and a science. I love Japan and I love Japanese, and I can attest that Japan will ALWAYS be a part of my life, but I'm not about to black hole my existence just to stay here when the green's on the other end.

I know a dude who got 1kyuu and moved here to start translating, but he took an ALT job first. That's like becoming a brain surgeon and then rolling up to a pre-school saying 'yo, let me bandage up some scrapes, Flo!'

At the same time, on the English front, I wish people were a bit more serious about keeping their 'ones up' so-to-speak. I keep getting emails from other instructors and I need a Turing machine have to time to figure that garbage out. I'm intent on making a more serious effort to learn the parts of speech so I can delineate them clearly and properly for my students, but some of those grammar terms are slippery as a greased eel. I guess this is why I think I would have been better off studying linguistics instead of film. I don't think you can really teach English unless you have the tools to break it down.

The irony of the whole situation is I've basically just learned to read in 3 months, but my speaking has gone to SHIT lately due to my concentrating almost completely on reading. I can understand up to 60% of daily conversations and meetings, but my speaking is still stuck in 'I need 2 cups of coffee and some mini-thins' mode. Oh well.

Wow, what the fuck was that?

Went to sleep on Saturday quite exhausted and tired from band practice.

(OK. And drinking)

Anyway I hopped back up bright and early on Sunday morning and I felt as if my soul had be sucked out of my body. And not in one of those 'wow, this Philipino-tranny is getting a tip!' ways... more like I had head my head, veins, and guts drained of anything that could resemble energy. I literally just laid there 95% of the day, excepting a run for envelopes and some food. Tokyogetter moved like a slug that day.

I then passed out 3 or 4 times. At the end of the day, 9:30 PM, I was looking over kanji and just BIT THE DUST. From 9:30 to 6:00 AM I was sawing all kinds of logs. We're talking deep paralysis. I don't remember anything besides waking up with the lights on and my windows still open. It was like being a Bush daughter.

Lately I've been feeling both antsy and lethargic. The intense cold I got last month really whooped my ass, but I feel like I've recovered. I try to do physical things, but I don't want to tempt another cold/hypothermia for a few more weeks. I really think it's my diet. Granted, moving to Japan and dropping 50 fucking pounds is enough to cause anybody to be concerned, but it's not like I was eating great. It was mostly stress and studying and whatnot. Now I'm actually consterned and worried about it, because I truly am feeling quite Ass-a-riffic, plus the city is just about to have amazing weather again and I don't want to sit here staring at my dvd collection until I'm 50.

In keeping with that, I have done the impossible: I have started trying to cook real meals for myself.

Granted, I'm starting off slow, least any of you think I'm a step away from deciding who looks better in cordorouy pants (Dan, Jamie, I'm looking your way) or judging a semen taste-test. Mixed vegetables, lightly sauced pasta, etc. are on the list. I think I also eat too much salt, so I'll try and watch that as well. It's hard though.

And caffeine... trying to not touch any for a bit. Trying. I usually knock back one or two a day, but I also chug SHITLOADS of water.

Probably not going to succeed on the caffeine thing.

Oh well. Wish me luck.

...

Update: paycheck woes with former employer 'cause me to prepare the obligatory 'kill them with kindness whilst reminding them about a ROYAL FUCK-UP IN MY POCKY FUND' email. Stay tuned!

Careers that are full of shit: part one.

Day 2 and 3 went out the window because of a sale at the company and because I had a crazy-assed day yesterday teaching until late. Today was good though. I am currently filled with Mexican food and my eyes are droopy as hell. So let's list careers that are full of shit.

Assistant Language Teachers.

Personal Assistants.

Occupational Therapists.

...

And that's enough to satisfy me for now. Next up: 10 + hours of sleep.

Day 2: Memorizin' shit.

I knew I said I was going to write about how I'm now 'on-hiatus' from tutoring right now, but this commercial melted my face, blew my brain apart, ripped out my eyes, and humped the sockets until I had mangravy pouring out of my ears.

The best part about this? It makes me not want to go back to America, well, almost as much as it makes me want to go back to America. Oh, and check the eyes at 1:14. That's definitely a bit of some 'tie the girl up and saw her head off while she's still alive' J Dahmer action.

Take a stretch and warm up: 30 for 30.

I am the kind of over-accomplishing cockhole guy who has `Winter projects.` When it`s cold outside and I am trying to save money, I find it`s nice to have something to focus on that will keep me from getting loaded too much, putting on 10 pounds, or casually watching my career oppurtunities and friendships self-destruct.

(For any of you wondering, I am 2 for 4 this year)

Last year it was completing my intermediate Japanese course (終わった！) and moving to Tokyo (めんどうくさい！)．This year I am focusing on completing the kanji requirements for the second level of the Japanese Language Proficiency Test, expanding the profile of my export company, and making a truly harrowing attempt at facial hair. The latter is a much-derided inability of mine, but I figure since my day job could be described as `be awesome, talk shit, compare notes about juvenile delinquency with other people that don`t really belong there`, they`ll definitely let me slide on the week and a half of growth that I already have on my face.

As a reminder to stay up in this bloggin` bitch like a fat kid on a piece of cheesecake, I have decided to do 30 posts in as many days. Sometimes I may double up or make allowances for traveling or pocky addiction, but regardless I am driven to knock a bunch out. You`ll have plenty of time to ponder why Yatsushiro`s answer to L from Death Note is not dead in a gutter or something.

Tomorrow: Dean Morgan Academy and I get a divorce.

Later: Golden Gai, graduation, Goth night triple-header.