Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Kumamoto mid-year seminar survival guide

Whoohoo. Seminar/orientation/deally-do number 4003 in Kumamoto City next week. Maybe they'll teach us something we didn't learn from the first 4? You think? Maybe? Perhaps. Oh well.

At least you'll get a chance to use some of Yats' patent meeting survival techniques... since we have so many a month, we've become accustomed to the kind of mind-numbing boredom that makes you want to sear your own genitals to the point of gimpdom so that your potential offspring will never suffer such wellsprings of egomaniacal, poorly-planned, incessently self-indulgent pain. Want to learn how to get through it without ripping out an eye and throwing it at the speaker? Read on.


Nothing disrupts an otherwise fine afternoon of playing a game of "hey, that girl from Kitakushi got fat!" like some pesky "meeting" or whatnot. Yes, we know that you're a second year. Yes, we know that you're from some place that sucks. Yes, we know that you moved to Japan because you look like a chronic wife-beater and had no chance to even smell a woman anywhere else besides Tunisia. We're trying to malign people here!

So how do you get such affairs back on track? Air horn. That'll teach 'em to... um... teach.


You hate your coworkers, right? Good. Any group of people who band together to endless ramble about anything simply because they lied there way through an interview and want to "feel at home" should be treated with the same kind of warmth and joviality that one usually reserves for gonorrhea, Tom Delay, and stomache cancer.

(For those of you wondering, we here in Yatsushiro have adopted a blatant "social contract" attitude... if somebody knows about food, we have to tell each other about it. If there's a party, we have to tell each other about it. Otherwise it's every half-functional ALT for themselves.)

So when you're looking at some guy you know vaguely from some bad, ill-advised drinking trip a few months ago and think "man, if this doesn't end soon, I'll never have a chance to go to the bathroom, listen to my ipod, and cry myself dry before the next meeting," here's what you do:

Ask a long, annoying question in the silliest voice possible. As the crowd begins to roll their eyes, that's when you fake a stroke or seizure. There's the added chance that you'll traumatize the speaker as well, and perhaps even have a shot at taking his or her position after they relocate back home for years of intensive therapy. Banzai!


Chewbacca was THE MAN. Nobody said a thing to him. If Chewbacca said he was going to go to your house and set it on fire just to pee on the ashes, you would feel compelled to go halfsies on gas and give him a nice big bottle of gator-aide to give him a hand with his mighty Wookie light saber flow.

And don't do this just during the meetings... try it throughout the whole fucking thing. Extra points for utilizing nary a word of real language.


Hey folks, team teaching, team smeeching. During one of those suffering-filled lunch time periods where you've lost the will to live and your hangover pounds so heartily that you would kill your mother to be rid of it, feel free to throw an offender into a rear naked choke. Squeeze until you smell shit, then stop. 'Cuz that means they're going to die if it leaks out.

Because after all, "hospitalization" is a part of "internationalization."


You'll have a much easier time during the "pop culture" conference when you're riding the white horse. Strap up buddy, there might be a god-awful converstion about anime coming up. Nana whu... Mika Nakaji---zzzzzzzz.....

Note: for extra fun, shoot up during the middle of a workshop. Extra points go to adjusting the belt around your arm in the line-up for check-in.


Say that you're actually FEELING the conference and want to be involved. What better way to show that you've "caught the fever" than by doing "the wave" with the only other person who's exhibiting any degree of interest at all? Just make sure you're not sitting close to each other so that extra spatial-based hilarity ensues...

Think Major League.


Makin' moves, son!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Yabe sausage party!

Recovering from a night in lovely Yabe, where a bunch of angry JETs got together, yelled too much, and insulted each other.

Pre-mid-year seminar edition coming soon.

Yatsushiro's Myspace profile. Yes, we're THAT lame.

HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. Bomb found in Tokyo.

Bush and Blair swear-off.

Eye of the Tiger NES sequencer edition. Somebody covered this using NES sequencing software. Scary, yet awesome.

Mom loses her mind yelling at her son. Child abuse has never been so funny.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Episode 9: Podcast walking tour!

Ever wonder about Yatsushiro? Ever wonder 'how we do?' Well, why not download this 22 minute and 33 second file (nice coincidence, no?) and see what's popping.

This thing took forever. Enjoy it!

And here, why not have a picture of one of my kids being a weirdo at school? My school has a fairly high weirdo factor... strange.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Here, have some stuff...

Legendary KO are from Houston. They brought us the now-classic George Bush Don`t Like Black People jam, and are now offering a free mix tape, so don`t sleep on it. I put it on my iPod yesterday and have been bumping thangs like a blind man with Parkinson`s during an earthquake.

How will I deal with the imminent mid-year seminar? Same way I dealt with that first three redundant orientations. Ipod and The Birthday Party.

Free power pop mp3s from the first four Yellow Pills compilations. Because my playing "Don`t Look Back" by The Remains all the time is JUST NOT ENOUGH.

Northern white crap that talks back. The Fall suck and rule at the same time. Awesome. Here is a live clip of Psycho-mafia from 1978. Here is one of "Smile" from 1983.

When peole want to know what kind of record I play when I want to go out and kick the shit out of something, I recommend Burmese. Man these guys are FUCKED UP.

Family Guy tops itself. Holy shit, son.

Arnie in Brazil. Because California`s governer just could not be any more damn weird. Scared the crap out of the people I showed it to so far.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Because I'm too tired to put up some new shit...

The Lox go apeshit over Puffy. Goes between sad and potentially murderous.

Local Yatsushiro JET Dan bought a unicycle. Dear God I hope he's going to become a clown. That would be some funny ass shit.

It's getting cold here. Give us your tips.

The Boondocks. That shit is hilarious.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Episode 8: Powered by porno and pancakes.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Fun with vulgarity.

The school librarian stopped me today and showed me a funny book on the way home. She was explaining to students about sign language, and the differences between American and Japanese sign language.

Let the hilarity commence:

How has anybody NOT gotten shot over this shit?

And if anybody's wondering, here's a blast from my film school past, replete with valediction:

In the winter of 2002, I was having a pretty shitty time. I hated my classes, I had basically been disconnected from most of my friends, my landlord went out of his way to be an asshole in pre-SARS Toronto (where moving was impossible), and there were enough romantic woes to make slashing my wrists seem like the best possible antidote. Oh yeah, this was also the period where the Bush Administration shifted from "transparently incompetent and well-meaning" to "we'll use 'terror' as an excuse to fuck your grandmother if we want to."

I was taking a documentary class with a teacher who hated me. She had something against Americans, or the personality of a piece of plywoord, or scurvy, or something like that. We had to do proposals for documentary projects, and I did one about the word "fuck" called "FUCK: THE MOVIE." Basically it was a chance to get to know the word, it's etymology, and it's impact on society.

My classmates stared at me like I had committed seppuku in the middle of the room.

So I got reemed out by the teacher and my fellow classmates were completely unsupportive. Funny enough, a suitably more popular kid in class (who disliked me, as I did him, although the feud has long since ended) suggested doing a movie about bathroom stories, and everybody got really excited about that one. I thought it was retarded easy humor that you could slide a slick veneer on, whereas the implications of "bad" language have always been fascinating to me... "don't put those vowels together in that way! Jesus will cry!"

This guy asked me what I intended to shoot to include in the film in an extremely cocky manner. I harrumphed, blew some wind through my teeth, and replied "pictures of people going the bathroom."

I cemented my unpopularity in documentary filmmaking 101 at that moment.

Anyway, the year sucked, things were awful, and I got so sick that I was literally going to march into the school one day and say "I'll come back next year." I still don't know why I finished film school and didn't switch to poli-sci or something. Regardless, guess what I found on some random browsing mission today while avoiding studying?

"I caught the premiere screening of Fuck last night at AFI Fest. As you know, Kevin pops up for some interviews talking about the word, how he has embraced it in his films, and more. Overall the flick was a funny and thoughtful mixture of flicks like "The Aristocrats" and "Bowling for Columbine", stylistically. The interviews are people as varied as Pat Boone and Ron Jeremy."

I'll take my "groundbreaking vision award" anytime, please. I salute the filmmaker for executing this, the same idea I had while suffering from near-pneumonia and a broken heart.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Winter's going to suck.

- Dom from Rusted Shut is in Chrome now. Pardon me while the sweet sound of "FUCKIN' A!" reverberates around Yatsushiro with the violent force of 10,000 earthquakes.

- Tokyo Scanner is twice as cool as those lame ass "city symphonies" I sat through in film School. Boris Ivens didn't rock enough sci-fi.

- I've studied for 2 or so hours a day for the past 40 some odd days and I still think I'm going to blow the easiest level of the JLPT. Yay for having your teacher quit on you.

- Mid-year seminar is the day after the test. All of us in Yatsushiro are looking forward to hearing various permutations of "We don't know what we're doing here" while we reflect over our test bombing.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Episode 7: We're not Transfering. Nor are we climbing any steps or doing any sports shit, OK?

Tokyo pictures

Knock. Yourselves. Out.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

How was Tokyo?


Well, except for getting home.

Did I geek out a little? Yep.

Oh, and um... wow, America is still weird.

OK, podcast comes up tonight. Yatsushiro walking tour!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

More fun from Craig's list...