Monday, September 18, 2006

Dear Japan, re: need new crazy people

Hey there.

Thanks again for letting me stay here. Yes, I'm doing well. Yeah, I found the good record stores. Yes, I'm eating. Yes, I am dating more thanks to my dropping a shitload of weight. By the way, why don't you make some real food available now and again? I'd cut off a toe for some genuine pizza right now.

No shit.

Anyway, it seems that the Tokyo district court has seen fit to uphold the death sentence of Japan crazy guy numero uno Shoko Asahara. Good move, I say. After all, not only was homedude batshit "I could be in Japanther!" insane, but he also could've offed thousands of more people had he not been lazy and OK'd the use of impure isopropyll methaphosphano flouridate. What a dick! Be sure and do some suitably crazy shit for the execution... we know how you made moves in Nanking. You can't act like you're a virgin with this one, so no playing coy!

The thing you gotta remember is that Shoko was the king o' out-to-lunch. He was your Charles Manson, and he also scared the shit out of me when I was 14 or 15 watching the Japanese news in La Porte Texas, of all places. He was a bully, a douchebag, and an inveterate asshole of such great standards that he could've been related to me. So in short: good move.

(And yes, I will not forget to mention that you put me right into his hometown of Yatsushiro when I first came here. Didn't we all have a good laugh at that, you spiteful cock? At least I'm not watching my life rot away there anymore...)

But anyway, since you've decided to do whatever-the-hell you're going to do with Blind Man Crazy Pants, this creates a new problem: YOU'RE OUT OF PSYCHOS.

Now when I say 'psychos', I'm not talking about the kind of garden-variety, mediocre, start-a-fight-over-some-stupid-shit assholes that inhabit places like Texas. I'm talking FUCKING NUTBARS, the kind of people who can grab your attention and keep it. What happened to that half-Brazilian dirtball who offed some girl and put her in a box? Or the random asshole who threw one or two people off a building in the Tokyo suburbs in April? Or the fucking nurse who carved up her roommate out of jealousy for her boyfriend and then got engaged to him after they found her body in various dumpsters?

Exactly. No staying power. Here today, gone tomorrow. The "Hey Ya" of crazy-asses.

It's not like I'm solely obsessed with being morbid. Far from it. In fact, you don't even need to have somebody who's caught a body or two. Hell, import Mariah Carey's crazy ass. Bobby and Whitney may be looking for new places soon, ya dig? And in just 2 years you can have George W. here. He can even hang out with his girlfriend Junichiro Koizumi, who has been doing everything to keep Japan on the world stage as nothing more than America's condom since he took office! Hey, I think most of my old college girlfriends are still drawing breath. How's by I dump some of them on you? You'll be amazed at some of the nonsensical shit that they dropped in my lap, and then you'll probably end up moving halfway around the world and learning a different language just to get away from that kind of crap! Ha! Wouldn't THAT be a laugh?

Look, what I'm saying is simple: you need LONGEVITY when it comes to your incessant, annoying fucktarded personalities. Less At The Drive In, more Black Sabbath. Ya dig?


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