Kansai airport....

Your open web RULES.

On the way home to Texas for the holidays. STOKED. In hour number 9 of travel, and yet to leave Japan.

On my second layover. Yay me.

See you next year.

Happy Birthday Jesus... the Japanese way!

Christmas here RULES. Why?

1. No religious signficance. Seriously. Jesus? Who? Whaaaa? Virgin birth? Pshaw. This is Japan. Sex isn't even a sin. In fact, what's sin?

2. Presents, breaks, and time off. Guess what I'm doing today? Jack shit. Guess what I'm doing tomorrow? Going home. Guess what I do when I get back? Jack shit. Somewhere in there are a few thousand plus calorie meals.

3. All the lights and presents, none of the blatant religious guilt. I've never raped anybody or murdered anybody, but hey, sometimes I think about girls. Here it's cool. And oddly regimented and often-slightly creepy. Sweet.

4. Christmas cakes.

5. I don't have to run my ass off buying presents for everybody. In fact, I don't even have to believe in Jesus if I don't want to. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Not the point. Cool.

6. Mad lights up in this bitch, son.

7. Jingle bells is the best Christmas carol ever. And you will never stop hearing it here, because that ho gets blasted for weeks on end. My favorite version is the one I have sung by the vocal cast of Sailor Moon.

8. Andrew Ridgely from Wham! is fuckin' raking it in. Giving all of us a dream, Andrew Ridgely gets to coast for a few years of acting like a total homo and hanging out with George Michael. I've never heard "Last Christmas" so much in my life. My favorite version, once again, is sung by the Sailor Moon vocal cast.

9. VOCODED Christmas carols. The other day I was buying stuff for dinner at a grocery store, and I heard 12 Days of Christmas in the bathroom. WITH A FUCKING VOCODER. Roger Troutman did Christmas songs?

10. Going to bed at 4 AM every night. STOKED.

I get lazy and make links.

Why does anybody need to know this? Why? Note: gross.

With You Always images. These pictures are some kind of testimony that Jesus is always with you or something. In my opinion, it looks more like Jesus is getting a vicarious thrill out of your pain and suffering or leering at a young girl.

And why not get treated to a picture of Jesus of Nazareth doing a pelvic thrust while two guys talk about working out? WTF?

Want to hear free mp3s of your favorite video games remixed? Try this place.

SEASON'S GREETINGS!

First off, I've found out my dad reads this thing. He wrote in to tell me he actually likes Iggy Pop. Since I only care about the first three records, I still think I have enough of a rebellious streak in me to feel ok.

Good.

Now it's time for JET PROGRAM SURVIVAL KITS! Winter's coming! Get ready!

The Female JET Survival Kit.


A copy of Facing Loneliness.



Pringles.


Razor Blades.


Bathtub with warm water.

Note: Actual "survival" may vary.

The UK JET's Survival Guide


Magazines to convince yourself you DON'T dress like a fuckin' drunken banker.


Any book that will make you sound like you're actually speaking English, as opposed to making an audible attempt at chewing up the language and spitting it out.



An unrelenting tendency to constantly brag about your drinking ability. Note: When doing this, please combine this with the above book.



Whatever sad stab at international relevancy you have left inside of you.

MALE JET SURVIVAL KIT


Condoms


Unparalled ability to stop seeing any degree of attractiveness in white women.


Inability to accomplish anything OR use the English language properly.


Also: Drinking problem.

(Note: Yeah, we made a Mike Brown joke.)


The ability to act like a 13 year old WELL into your 20's.

AMERICAN JET GUIDE! WITH ALL CAPITALS! USA! USA!


Cocksure self-importance in terms of geography.

OR...


Constant whining and a deep sense of shame.

(Note: no rational viewpoints will be taken into account here. One or the other. If you don't agree, you are a terrorist.)


Disturbing lack of history.


Inability to shut your damn yap.

Canadian JET Survival Guide.

Same as America. No matter what they say. Note: Quebec still rules.

We took that test...

Then our brains got up and left for a week. Hence no updates.

In the meantime, look out for the next podcast. Just a few more to go until a triumphant return to BBQ and mexican food for el hefe!

In the meantime, why not have some links?

An electronic birthday card Evan made for a local ALT. Feast on "teh geek."

Ultra-nationalist Japanese comics. Because Japan wasn't brought up to snuff in the 600s by Korean horsemen. No, really, it wasn't.

Remember all that shit they made you watch in the 80's in school? That stuff that they showed you to convince you that yeah, Jesus really excited despite taking 40 years for anybody to write a WORD about him and that Reagan really didn't screw up the budget or lie about Iran Contra? Well, somebody has finally set it to "America: Fuck yeah!" from Team America. About time.

Ali G interviews the Beckhams. Ali G takes David B (soccer player) and Victoria B (singer... ?) to task. English people care about this kind of stuff. English people are nuts.

The Stooges. My dad once told me that Iggy Pop was a moron. I added him to the "must check out" list. Sorry dad. Those first two records RULE.

... And once again, the google search results for "failure."