Sunday, August 06, 2006

An open letter to Cansei de Ser Sexy from the desk of Evan Jones.

Hey kids.

Let's face it... you've probably blown it. By basing your first single on the popularity of another current band you were taking a hell of a risk, and now that Godheadsil-, er, Death From Above 1979 have gone tits up, well, you're all kinds of mouth-fucked.

My condolences.

Is your song horrible? Oh hot buttery fuck yes. You make the Ying Yang twins sound like Warren Zevon in the brains department. You're also fairly unattractive and plain, which means that singing about slapping uglies means nothing to men of discertaining tastes such as myself, who are quite likely to lay the woodrow on a bevy of smoking hot Asian girls with the fucking QUICKNESS.

(Side note: the kid makes moves.)

Lastly, you happen to be Brazilian, but are neither a lounge act nor Sepultura. This is also a problem.

The good news is that people seem to like it... well, handsuphouston.com seems to, but Christ, those guys would defend giving a wolverine a mouthful of AIDS-infested blood and letting it loose in a kindergarten if Pitchfork gave the concept a decent review.

You were also mentioned on Houmidity.com, where Brian Mcmanus has been spending a good portion of doing a hell of an impression of Byron Crawford.
Although the guy from Spain Colored Orange is no Kanye.

But enough of the Houston scenester in-fighting. Here's the situation: It's not your fault, but it is your problem.

Fortunately for you I am in a giving mood this evening, as I sit here in my office overlooking the beautiful river in the middle of Kumamoto City and plotting my next step towards unemployment. I appreciate the fact that you have no grasp of meter, time, or the fact that you will inevitably be mentioned whenever one laughingly uses the term "sub plop." I also appreciate the fact that you are doubtlessly former visual studies students, which is like the Special Olympics seal-of-approval for "artistic and fun" bands.

So here are some new song titles you can use for your second album to suck in the hipster community, because you're 15 minutes are clocking down, yo.

"Finger blast me at the Racounters show."
"Let's schedule an abortion appointment while listening to Shellac."
"Hey, I have an accent and a vagina! Hey... where are you going??"
"Interpol/Radiohead/Sigur Ros/Slint/NO TAGBACKS!"
"Our singer is fat, but not 'Gossip' fat... more like '15-year-old-Naruto-fan' fat."
"Stupid alcohol reference"
"We make !!! seem like Stravinsky."

Keep adding more in the comments section, willya?

3 Comments:

Anonymous Alan said...

Evan godddamn jones. this is al cherneski. i don't know what or who cansei de ser sexy is but i still thought i'd drop you a line. yes i am still alive and well in toronto, ontario canada. i run the shipping/office servies department of EF Tours www.eftours.ca ..........it is cool, i date a girl there. i recently got back from calgary for a visit where i saw David Elliot, he still had my video camera he borrowed from my 2 years ago, you believe that. anyways man pEACE write me, alancherneski69@hotmail.com

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